Blur
by Fantony
Summary: Eiri… As I said, there's never been any Shindou Shuichi.You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Kitazawa Yuki. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more...COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Plot :** "Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

**Disclaimer: **Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, they say. Alright, alright, here's Gravitation, Murakami! ;-)

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!**_

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**CHAPTER 1.**

White… Too much white… So much white it makes me feel dizzy… My head… My body… Everything seems so heavy…

I blink and rub my eyes.

My vision is blurry but I can see Tohma and Mika smiling blissfully at me as if I was some newborn baby in a cradle.

"Thank God, Eiri… You're finally awake! Are you ok?"

"My head hurts like hell, but otherwise, looks like I'm still in one piece." I sneer. " Guess I could do with a beer or two, though."

Relief washes over them and they both let out a little laugh.

"It's good to see you're back to your old self."

I look around me. IV bottles, electrocardiogram machine… How the hell did I land here?

"What am I doing here? What happened?"

Tohma takes my hand and I recognize the fake smile on his face. His "Don't even try to argue with me" smile.

"It doesn't matter, we'll discuss this later. You need to rest now, Eiri."

I hate him when he's like that. I hate it when he hides things from me. I hate it when he treats me like a child.

"Seguchi, don't fuck with me! Just tell me what happened!"

His smile vanishes.

"Eiri…"

Suddenly, fear overtakes me. I knew something was missing! Where are you? You're always stuck to me like glue. If anything bad had really happened to me, you wouldn't have left me alone in a hospital. You would have stayed by my side. You would have held my hand. You would have cried your heart out. So if you're not there…

"Where is Shu?" I ask slowly.

Tohma releases my hand and frowns.

A bunch of horrible scenarios jostle in my head. We've been involved in a car accident, I survived and you didn't. Or for some weird reason, we've had an argument and I ended up shooting you like I shot… Oh no…

"Don't tell me something happened to him… Don't tell me he's…"

I can't even finish my sentence. My entire body is shaking and there's nothing I can do against it. And the concerned look Mika and Tohma exchange surely doesn't help.

"Eiri… There's never been any Shindou. Never." Tohma says, coldly.

How dare he say that?! I feel my cheeks get red with anger.

"What the fuck?! If this is some kind of joke, then it's a really tasteless one! Just because you've always hated him doesn't allow you to deny his existence. I already told you, there's nothing you can do that will make me stop loving him, so what are you playing at, Seguchi?! Next you're gonna tell me that I've never published any book or that I've never killed Kitazawa, is that what you're gonna say?!"

Mika gasps and her eyes fill with tears. Tohma looks shocked. He sits in the chair next to the bed and rubs the bridge of his nose. He then glances at Mika, who nods encouragingly. He lets out a long sigh and looks back at me. I can see a look of disappointment in his eyes.

"Listen, Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindo Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. I'm a real estate agent and your sister here works in a nursery. You came and lived with us after your parents and your brother died in a car accident when you were sixteen. You were a brilliant literature student before you decided to give up your studies two years ago. You've got a part-time job at a library. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head, Eiri. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

Nothing. More. Is that so?

He erases my whole life –twenty-three odd years- in a few words and all he can say is "Nothing more"? I nearly expect someone to enter the room and tell me "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!" but nothing happens. Just a heavy silence, and Tohma and Mika looking at me as if I had just escaped from the asylum. That's too much. I can't hold my anger any longer.

"Liar!" I scream, sitting up in the bed and ripping off my IV lines.

"Eiri, please, calm down!" Tohma shouts, pinning me roughly to the bed. "Mika, fetch a nurse!"

No matter how hard I try to struggle, I feel like my whole body is going numb and my strength fails me.

The nurse comes and makes Mika and Tohma get out of the room. Before I can protest, she pricks me and I can feel the liquid pumping slowly in my veins.

Soon, my body relaxes and I can hear Tohma's voice from the corridor. He's yelling at a doctor. Not only does he think I've lost my mind, he also thinks I've gone deaf.

"He's delirious again!"

"Schizophrenia can never be completely cured, you know…"

"Of course I know that! I'm not stupid! But his state had considerably improved! He hadn't mentioned all those things for such a long time! Now it just looks like years of psychotherapy have been wasted in a split second!"

"Mister Seguchi… Eiri just came out of coma. We couldn't administer his treatment during those five days, so it's not really a surprise that he's talking nonsense again. You should already be glad that his brain and body capacities are not damaged. Some people are less lucky than that. Does the term 'brain death' speak to you?"

"You're right… I'm sorry, Doctor… It's just it's so… I don't know… We've been dealing with this problem for years… We really did our best… And now all our efforts are negated… What can we do?"

"Support him. Help him recover his real memories. Help him get rid of this life his mind created to escape a reality he hated. And wait. Patience is the key."

The pain is unspeakable. An invisible hand crushes my heart and every breath I take burns my lungs. I can't even fight back the tears any more. I want to believe that this is just a nightmare and that I will soon wake up, but the pain is too strong to be false. Who am I? Who are they? Who tell the truth?

A knock on the door and Mika is there again.

"Mika, don't leave me here! I don't want doctors. I don't want all this! I just want to go home. Please!" I beg her, and I would get down on my knees if she asked me to.

"Eiri… It's not that easy… Your condition requires special care and…"

"Do you really think it will be of any help for me to stay here? Don't you believe I'd be better surrounded by people who _really_ care for me?"

She sighs and smiles a sad smile at me as she raises her hand to caress my cheek.

"Alright, honey. I'll talk to Tohma. But I'm not sure the doctors will let you go that easily…"

"We can always ask a private duty nurse to look after me at home…"

She nods and leaves the room.

Two hours and many recommendations later, we're leaving the hospital. I am weak and my legs feel like they are going to give way any time but I don't say anything. I'm too afraid Tohma and Mika change their mind.

I rummage through my coat pockets and I'm relieved that my pack of cigarettes is still there. I need my hit of nicotine. Badly. I pop one cigarette into my mouth and take my lighter out of the other pocket.

"Don't start with that shit again, Eiri," Tohma lectures me, taking the cigarette out of my mouth.

But I don't pay attention to him, I only focus on my lighter. There is no purikura _(1)_ stuck on it. I don't know what I still was expecting.

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_(1) Purikura (shortened form of "purinto kurabu" "print club") are photo stickers you can take in "special" photo booths. The one mentioned here is obviously that cute picture Eiri & Shuichi took in the amusement park. :) _

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_**Thanks for reading!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Plot :** "Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

**Disclaimer: **I want Gravitation's copyrights under my Christmas tree! :-D

_**Thanks a lot for the heartening reviews! They mean a lot to me! :)**_

_**Although I'm afraid you'll all be disappointed with that second chapter… Oh, well…** _

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!**_

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**CHAPTER 2. **

Two weeks have passed but it looks like an eternity. I even regret having left hospital in the first place. Mika and Tohma's house is even more impersonal than the four white walls I woke up to fifteen days ago.

And they always keep an eye on me as if I would escape anytime. I even suspect them to take turns watching over me at night because I would bump into one of them each time I get up to go to the loo or get a glass of water in the kitchen. This really freaks me out.

I know they're doing that because they're worried about me, but I feel oppressed, imprisoned… As if it wasn't enough to feel imprisoned within my own mind.

They still don't want to tell me what happened before I fell into a coma, avoiding the subject like the plague, but I have a hunch. If I had been involved in some kind of accident, then there would be no point in hiding the truth. Therefore, it must be something… more "taboo" than a simple accident. Anyway, it's the least of my worries right now.

What's worse is that I haven't been able to find anything about you so far. My room is as ordinary as can be. I spent hours scouring it and didn't find anything but books, DVDs and CDs of stuffs I didn't even know I was supposed to like. No laptop. No scrawled notebooks. No love letters. No pictures. Nothing.

That made me feel down in the dumps until Tohma mentioned another place one week ago. A flat I inherited from my parents some seven years ago. Apparently, I use it from time to time, whenever I feel the need to be alone. Of course, Tohma didn't want me to go there alone, "not after what happened". This was to be expected as he didn't even let me go to the nearby shop to get my cigarettes. But after days of argument, Mika and he finally agreed that it didn't do me any good to be kept here like an animal in a cage, and that maybe going to that flat would help me retrieve some memories, even though we definitely weren't talking about the same "memories".

And that's why I'm here right now, heart beating fast in front of that door. I'm sure I will find something here. I _have_ to find something.

To my great disappointment, the place looks as neutral as my room at the Seguchi's. No decoration except a painting on one wall. Just the bare necessities. A table and chairs, a sofa, a bed… and, again, many books.

Most of the drawers and cupboards are empty, and there is no fantasy mug in the cupboard above the kitchen sink. I sigh and take a glance at the bookcase. I know I'm supposed to be an ex-literature student and part-time library employee, but I doubt I ever managed to read all these books…

A huge one with nothing written on its spine catches my attention. I take it and open it. A family photo album. My parents, Tatsuha, Mika and myself. Holidays, carnivals, Christmas… I'm surprised that some of them actually bring back some vague memories.

I stare a moment at a picture of us all. My father's got his arm wrapped around my mother. A young Tohma holds Mika's hand shyly, his cheeks a little red. A ten year-old Tatsuha is holding a truck toy in his hands, a huge grin on his face as I'm making rabbit ears behind his head. We all look so happy on this.

The following pages of the album don't contain any more pictures of Tatsuha and my parents. Just Mika, Tohma, and myself. I'm not smiling on any single one of them. Not even on those of Mika and Tohma's wedding. As I browse through the rest of the album, a yellow piece of paper falls from it. I pick it up. An article from some newspaper. _"Three members of a family killed as car hits tree on a Kyoto country road"_. The picture of what was left of the car gives me the shivers. How the hell did I survive? Why can't I remember anything? I put the article back into the album and replace it on the shelf.

That's probably all I'll be able to find here. There's no point in staying in that place much longer. It only makes me feel more depressed. I make my way back to the living-room and take a deep breath. If I close my eyes, I can hear your annoying but such adorable laugh fill the room. It's not over yet. I am highly disappointed but I won't give up so easily. I take a last glance back and gently close the door behind me. I know exactly where I am heading to, and I hope I'll find more clues there.

I feel breathless as I enter the building. So crowded, so noisy… I've always been a bit agoraphobic, and having spent the last two weeks secluded surely doesn't help much when you suddenly find yourself in the middle of one of Tokyo's biggest multimedia shops. Fortunately enough, the books department is located on the ground floor and I reach it within a minute, but all those mountains of books quickly make me feel dizzy. I let out a sigh of relief when I notice a young bespectacled guy in a red shirt bearing the name of the store.

"Excuse me, can you help me?" I ask.

The boy turns around and smiles at me.

"I'll try my best at least!" He chuckles. "What are you looking for?"

"Yuki Eiri's books."

"Yuki Eiri…" He repeats slowly, rubbing his chin. "Looks like you got me there… What kind of books does he write?"

My heart sinks a little further. I was already surprised I could walk around the streets without being assaulted by fangirls, but having someone just ignoring my name is an even bigger offense.

"Romance." I mumble.

"Oh..." The guy mutters, apparently suppressing a smile. "Then that explains why I don't know him... I'm more into mangas. Bleach, Death Note... you know?"

No, I don't know. Never read any of that stuff. But I remember you love mangas. And I would yell at you whenever you left them lying in every nook and corner of the flat. Now I swear that if I ever find you back, I'll leave you a whole room just to store them all.

"Hmm... Well... Never mind," says the guy, a bit disappointed. "Follow me."

He walks toward a counter, types 'Yuki Eiri' on the computer's keyboard and asks me if that is correct. I nod and he frowns.

"You sure you spell it right? I have no entry for this name..."

My mouth twitches.

"Could you try with 'Uesugi Eiri' instead? That's his real name, maybe the entries are registered under that name rather than under his pen name..."

"Sure."

I look at him apprehensively but he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry, there's still no reply."

This time, my heart breaks into a million pieces but I try not to let it show.

"I see... One more thing... Have you ever heard of a band called Bad Luck, by any chance?" I try desperately, but I already know the answer.

The grimace on the young seller's face confirms my thoughts and I have to fight back tears.

"But I can check them out on..."

"Nah, it's okay. Never mind. Thanks." I interrupt him and quickly walk toward the exit.

I'm panting and I feel like I'm going to die of suffocation. The security guard gives me a dark look as I finally make my way out of the store.

Once outside, I bend down and place both my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. So they were right. Tohma. Mika. The doctors. I never wrote any book and there is no Shindou Shuichi. You only exist in my head. I made up everything because I'm... crazy. That single word stabs me to the heart.

"Are you okay, my boy?" An old lady asks me.

I just nod and start to run away. I don't know where I'm going. All I know is that I want to be far away from here. Far, far away from this life.

I don't know how long I've been running but I have to stop, my smoker's lungs are burning like hell and my feet hurt too. I look around me. A desert quiet park offering a beautiful view on the suburb. The place looks strangely familiar. I light a cigarette and walk toward the fence lining the side of the park which overlooks the suburb. I lean against it and let my thoughts wander.

What's the point of my whole existence if all I've ever believed in actually never existed? And if I can hardly remember a thing of what truly existed?

I don't know how long I've stayed like that, lost in my thoughts, but it's starting to get cold. My phone has vibrated several times in my pocket. Tohma and Mika, probably. But I don't give a shit. I'm such an ungrateful bastard. They are the only people who care about me, and here I am, mourning someone who's never existed anywhere but in my own mind. They must be worried to death right now. I have lost track of time, but it must be quite late as the night is falling slowly down on city.

The lamppost next to me lights up, and I notice all the little yellow squares on the buildings' facades. Behind these windows, people are having dinner, taking a shower, watching TV, tucking their child into bed, making love, laughing, crying... living their everyday lives.

I can't live mine anymore. I am not strong enough to pretend everything is ok, to forget all the things my mind viciously made up for me and come back to a boring existence. I can't spend my whole life not being able to tell fact from fiction. If I tried to kill myself with drugs nearly three weeks ago -that's what I believe made me fall into a coma and what Tohma and Mika have carefully avoided to explain- then I probably had good reasons to do so. And I have to succeed where I already dreadfully failed.

Before I know it, I am perched on the metal fence and the only thing that prevents me from falling into space is my left hand clutching the lamppost.

I close my eyes. A chilly wind is blowing, shaking the trees' leaves in a sweet melody and caressing my hair. I loosen my grip on the lamppost. Soon I will be free...

"Please... Don't do that..."

I wince and nearly lose balance. I look over my right shoulder. A pair of long shorts. A white shirt open over a yellow and green long sleeve T-shirt. An orange rucksack. A feeling of déjà-vu. My heart skips a beat. I look up at the person who has just spoken. I don't even know if I can safely trust my eyes or if it's not my imagination playing tricks on me again.

"Shuichi..." I whisper.

You frown.

"How do you know my name? Have we met before?"

_Of course we have! _I want to yell but the words just don't leave my mouth.

"Well, it doesn't matter right now," you go on. "Take my hand..."

I hold out my hand but yours seems so far away. It looks like I can't reach it, no matter how hard I try.

"Come on, take my hand!" You repeat.

Our fingers are nearly touching but everything becomes blurry.

"Shuichi!!!" I scream.

But you melt into the darkness...

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_**Thanks for reading! **_

And sorry for all the mistakes! I'm knackered and haven't re-read what I wrote yet!! :-s

Edit: By the way, the park is the same park Eiri and Shuichi meet for the first time (when Eiri criticizes Shu's lyrics and says he's got zero talent), that's why the place "looks strangely familiar" to Eiri. (and the scene takes place by night too). And at the end of this chapter, Shu is wearing the same clothes that he wore that day (at least, in the anime coz his clothes are different in the manga version), hence the "feeling of déjà-vu" ;-)


	3. Chapter 3

**Plot :** "Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

**Disclaimer: **Eiri (and Gravitation!) is still not mine… *sigh*

**Note: **I'm sorry it took me ages to update, but I gave birth to an adorable baby boy called Ginji on December.27 and believe me, he keeps me really busy, hehe! Anyway, you may be very confused by this chapter but I must admit it was my aim when I started this story (remember, the title is "Blur"! hehe!). So maybe you'll be disappointed and won't like this fic anymore, but never mind, that's how it was in my mind and I'm not gonna change it… sorry! I think this may the penultimate chapter but maybe I'll change my mind later, who knows?

_**Once again, thanks a lot for the heartening reviews! They mean a lot to me! :)**_

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!**_

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**CHAPTER 3.**

"Take my hand!"

That voice...

I can still hear you. Everything's not lost.

I open my eyes and blink. The park has disappeared. I'm no longer standing on a fence. I'm sitting back against the wall in a very dark and gloomy room. The summer evening has turned into a very cold winter night. It is so cold I can barely feel my fingers. So cold I can see my breath. Where am I? What am I doing here? Is my mind playing tricks on me again? Is this real? Is this a dream? Chuang-Tsu words come back to me. _(1)_

"_I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?"_

Am I Uesugi Eiri who dreams of being Yuki Eiri, a famous writer, or am I Yuki Eiri dreaming that I am Uesugi Eiri, a simple part-time employee in a library?

Do I even exist?

I look around me. This place... so familiar... That door I used to push open every day, with my heart beating fast. That sofa I used to sit on so often, drinking his every word. My eyes wander down to where he was standing that day... That dark stain on the floor... His blood... The sound of the detonation still echoes in my head after all those years. I can see him stumble, and fall heavily on the floor. I can see him trying to crawl toward me, holding out his hand and whispering my name. His eyes lock on mine before he closes them forever. Kitazawa. My lovely sensei. I've stolen his life. He's stolen my innocence. My soul died in that place some six years ago. I remember the pain. The fear. The shame. It happened. It really happened. I couldn't have made up such a shabby story, could I?

"Eiri! Are you ok?" You ask, bringing me out of my torpor.

_Eiri_... You call me by my name while a few minutes ago, you didn't even remember we had met before. I give up trying to understand, that's useless.

I turn to face you and nod slowly.

_You_. Shuichi. My anchor in that stormy sea. My rock in that dangerous quicksand. My eyes in those blurry worlds. My life's leitmotiv. I can't help but smile. And I don't even pay attention to that weird dog suit you're wearing.

"You know my name..." I whisper.

You frown with bewilderment.

"Of course I know your name! Do you really believe I would have forgotten about you within a few hours??!! I'm telling you, that would make things much easier for me if I could forget everything about you when you disappear all of a sudden, you dumbass!" You yell at me, and then pause to stare at me, a look of concern on your face. "You're really weird, Yuki! You sure you're ok?" You ask, lowering your voice.

Your eyes fall on my left hand and you now look frightened.

"Oh my God, Yuki, what are you doing with that gun?!!"

I glance at my hand. I didn't remember I was holding a gun. To be honest, I have no idea how I landed here. One minute I am about to jump into the void, the other I am apparently about to shoot myself. The only thing that never changes is that you always come out of nowhere to stop me.

"I don't know..." I lie.

You throw yourself in my arms and hold me tight.

"Never do something that stupid, do you hear me?! Never!! Don't you think you're gonna get away from me! You can run or you can die, but I'll search for you and I'll find you! I'll never let you get away from me! Why? Because I love you! (2) And if you die, I'll die too! I can't live without you, Yuki!"

You then take one step back to look at me, your eyes filled with tears.

"You're such a drama queen. " I tease you.

You swallow your tears, snuffle noisily and grin at me, and I wish I could freeze time so that I could stare forever at those beautiful features of yours. That face I've learnt by heart, from those adorable dimples on your cheeks whenever you smile to that tiny beauty spot under your left eye that no one ever pays attention to.

"Yuki... Can I... kiss you?"

It's itching me to throw myself in your arms, but I guess I have to stay true to my old self.

"Drop dead, you and your ugly dog suit! I'm not zoophilous!"

Your grin becomes wider and wider and before I can add anything, your lips meet mine and I feel at home.

Right now, I couldn't care less whether this moment is real or not. If it's real, I want it to last forever, and if it's just a dream, then I never want to wake up.

"Let's go back home," you then whisper in my ear.

I nod and you help me get back on my feet. I give one last glance as I close the door of the flat. The door to my past.

The snow falls heavily and a dense fog envelops the city. You can't see more than ten feet. You walk ahead of me and all I can see is a dark silhouette.

"I'll call a cab!" I hear you say as I breathe into my hands to warm them up. Bloody weather!

I look up and... you're out of sight. Oh no, not again!

"Shuichi?"

I can't help but feel worried.

No reply.

My blood freezes in my veins.

"Shuichi?" I try, louder.

I look around me. Snow. Fog. Darkness. My vision becomes blurry again.

"SHUICHIIIIII!!" I scream, desperately.

But all I can hear is the wind.

I am cold. I am lost. And above all, I am scared...

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Hmm, this was crap, so I may edit it later, but I'm too lazy right now! :-D

Ok, in case you wouldn't have noticed, that scene is a free adaptation of a scene from episode 13 of the anime, when Eiri goes back to Kitazawa's old flat in New-York. He's got a gun in his hand, says that he is the one who should have died there and who knows what he would have done if Shuichi hadn't come out of nowhere in a dog outfit??

(1) Chuang-Tsu is a Chinese philosopher who lived around the 4th century BC. His philosophy was very influential in the development of Chinese Buddhism. The butterfly dream is one of his most famous thoughts.

(2) _"Don't you think you're gonna get away from me! You can run or you can die, but I'll search for you and I'll find you! I'll never let you get away from me! Why? Because I love you!" _is what Shuichi tells Eiri in Kitazawa's flat, NYC. (episode 13 of the anime)

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Plot :** "Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for somerecord company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

**Disclaimer: **Same old story... Gravi's not mine, blah blah...

**Note: **Yeah, I know, once again, it took me far too long to update, sorry! Time goes by too quickly, unfortunately. This is a happier chapter, and I do think there is only one more to go after that. I've had the end of this fic in mind for ages but just don't have enough time to write... Anyway, happy new year to you all! :)

_**Once again, thanks a lot for the heartening reviews! They mean a lot to me! :)**_

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!**_

_**

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**CHAPTER 4.**

"Drink that!"

I blink. The light quite blinds me and it takes me a few seconds before I can see properly. My heart skips a beat. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. And you're still there, sitting on the edge of the bed and smiling at me when I thought I had lost you. Again.

"Shui..."

"Shhh..." you cut me off, placing a finger on my mouth. "Drink that, it'll warm you up."

I nod and obediently take a sip at the drink you've just hold to me. Never a hot chocolate tasted that good in my life. But it's got nothing to do with chocolate. Nor does it have anything to do with the sweet scent of cinnamon that escapes the mug. The mug... That's got to be the ugliest mug in the world and God knows how many times I've tried to get rid of it, but right now, it's like I am holding the Holy Grail. Your favourite mug from when you were a little kid... Those memories can't be fake, can they?

I look around me. It looks like a student room. I have no idea how I landed here, but I don't care. I'm so glad we have left the cold atmosphere of Kitazawa's old flat. So glad that you haven't disappeared in that white fog.

"Are we still in New-York?" I ask hesitantly, breaking the silence.

"New-York?" You repeat slowly, an inquisitive look on your face.

Your features relax and you giggle.

"Hell no! I don't even have enough money to take the bus to Kokyo Gaien _(1)_, so how do you expect me to afford a plane ticket to the States?" You exclaim, laughing. "And what would I do in New-York, anyway?"

Oh... So you're the Shuichi who doesn't know me... Once again, I don't even try to understand... Nothing makes sense anymore... I don't even know who I really am...

"Dunno... Take Broadway by storm with a punk opera..." I suggest, glancing at a synthesizer placed on the floor.

You follow my eyes.

"Oh... that... I'm the lead singer in a band, but we've only played at our school year-end-show so far..."

For a few seconds, you seem lost in your thoughts, but you then look back at me and the faraway look you had in your eyes turns into a look of determination.

"But remember our name: Bad Luck! One day, we'll be famous! The whole Japan will love us! Maybe the whole World!"

I can't help but smile. This is the Shuichi I love. Enthusiast, determined, self-confident. My exact opposite. You've always been the puzzle piece I need to feel complete.

"What makes you laugh?" You ask, frowning and looking all upset. "I know this sounds crazy, but I do believe that if there's a will, there's a way. If you really want something in life, you can have it, as long as you try anything you can to make it happen..."

"Sure...," I whisper dreamily as I take another sip of hot chocolate.

I know what you mean. I know too well. I have no idea what's going on in my life these days, but there's at least one thing I have no doubt about. Whoever I am, wherever I am, all I want is to be by your side. And believe me, whatever it costs me, I'll indeed do everything I can to make it happen.

"Anyway," you say, taking me out of my torpor. "There's something I'd like to know... How did you know my name?"

I had hoped you would have forgotten about that "little" detail...

"I guess we must have met before," I try.

You shake your head frantically.

"No chance! You look so gorg- err, I mean..." You blush. "You don't meet people with natural blond hair like yours every day, so I'd remember if we had already met!"

Gorgeous, huh?

"And pink ain't exactly what you can call a usual hair colour either..." I tease you. "Especially for a guy..."

"Hey! I don't care if you don't like my hair, okay?" You scold.

"You're sure you don't care?" I smirk. You are about to yell again, but I go on: "I never said I didn't like it, anyway."

Your mouth drops open.

"That doesn't tell me how you know my name..." you mumble, trying to hide your embarrassment but the faint flush on your cheeks betrays you.

"An intuition, maybe..."

What can I say? I just can't explain what a mess my life's been for the last two weeks, you would think I'm a complete weirdo...

"You're weird..."

Alright, you already think that way.

I raise an eyebrow.

"Is it that bad?"

"No! Of course no," you protest, "_normal_ people like me are pretty boring, actually..."

"True, you're quite boring indeed, but you're definitely not like everybody else..."

I pause and watch you hesitate between getting mad at me or blushing.

"I mean, I'd never met a pink-haired guy before!" I add.

You opt to get mad at me. Fair enough. I just can't help it. I've always loved teasing you.

"Hey, do I have to remind you who saved your life an hour ago or so? Would it kill you to be a little more thankful, or to pretend to, at least? Next time, I'll let you jump into the void, you ungrateful bastard!"

"Hey, relax, will you! Don't you have a sense of humour? I find you quite interesting, actually. Honest. And... well..." My voice trails off. "Thank you..."

The Shuichi who knows me by heart would experience a heavy nosebleed if he heard that. The words _Thank you_, _Sorry_ or _I love you_ have been banned from my vocabulary an eternity ago. Bad faith, fear of feeling weak and 'naked'... But what have I got to lose now, anyway?

"Thank you for having saved me..."

My voice is barely a whisper.

If you ever knew how many times you saved my life... In every possible ways...

"You're welcome," you say with the most beautiful smile ever.

"What's that?" I ask, taking a piece of paper from the night table and hoping to quickly change the subject.

"Those are the lyrics to the last song I composed," you explain.

I glance at the few scrawled words on the crumpled paper, and I try my best to hide my surprise. I remember those words. They are exactly the same than the ones written down on that piece of paper that got blown away the first time we met. I mean, in my dreams, or in that other universe, or whatever it is.

"So, what do you think?" You ask, expectantly.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly!"

I take a deep breath.

"That's got to be the worst thing I've ever read. Do you really believe you'll become famous one day with such poor lyrics? You've got zero talent."

This time, I can tell I've gone beyond the bounds and really upset you. Your cheeks are red with shame and anger and your eyes fill with tears. Without a word, you take the empty mug from my hand and make your way to the small kitchen.

"Are you sulking?"

No reply.

"Listen, I won't say I'm sorry just to make you happy, because I don't mean it, and I hate to lie. Those lyrics really suck."

"Well, thanks, I feel much better," you grumble, quickly wiping your tears away with your sleeve before turning to face me.

Guilt sweeps over me and I don't really know how to deal with it.

"You're welcome," I sneer. "Anyway, I could try and give you a hand, if you want. I'm..."

I was about to say I was a famous writer, when I remembered that I was a simple library employee in this 'world'…

"I'm... not too bad with words..."

You look up.

"Would you really do that for me?" You ask through sobs.

I nod and grin.

"Depends on how much you are willing to pay me."

You roll your eyes out of exasperation.

"Very funny!"

I fight the urge to hug you. It's so good to tease you again and to see how gullible and easy to upset you are.

"You really have no sense of humour! Anyway, if I decide to help the poor writer you are, that means we'll have to meet again..." I maliciously point out.

You beam.

"You really are a strange guy..."

"You have no idea," I smirk.

Before we are even aware of it, our lips are nearly touching.

Your breath quickens.

"I... I... don't even know... your name..." you stammer nervously.

I was about to reply "Yuki", but what's the use in wearing a mask here?

"Eiri..." I whisper in your ear before I capture your lips in a very soft kiss.

It feels familiar. It feels warm. It feels the right thing to do.

I close my eyes.

The puzzle is complete...

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_Thanks for reading! :)_

_(1) Kokyogaien is the outer garden of the Imperial Palace, Tokyo, Japan. _

_Published on january.4 2011_


	5. Chapter 5

**Plot :** _"Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for somerecord company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."_

**Disclaimer: **_Same old story... Gravi's not mine, blah blah..._

**Note: **_That's it, this chapter is the final one! Gee, I can't believe it took me nearly a year and a half to write a 5 chapters story! Lol. Anyway, thanks a lot for your heartening reviews! :)_

_**Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!**_

_**

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**_**CHAPTER 5. **

White… Too much white… So much white it makes me feel dizzy... My head... My body... Everything seems so heavy...

I blink and rub my eyes.

Dammit! I'm back at Mika and Tohma's house. In my old bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed and let out a long sigh, burying my head in my hands. I feel like I've slept for days.

I blink again as I look up. The sun coming through the window really blinds me. Feeling my way to the window, I close my eyes and let the sun rays dance on my face and warm my skin for a short instant. _Where_ _have you disappeared again, Shuichi?_ It's only when I stretch my arms to close the curtains that I notice my wrists are heavily bandaged. I bite my lower lip. At least, some things never change...

I glance at the bookshelf and notice a couple of books by Paul Auster. I know for sure that I bought those in New-York. They're actually the only good thing I brought back from Big Apple. I smile bitterly.

My stomach is grumbling and I decide to go and eat something. I make my way downstairs and find my sister in the kitchen.

"Morning old bat," I smirk.

The glass she was holding slips out of her hands and breaks into pieces when it hits the ground.

"Oh God... Eiri..."

"Yeah, that's me..." I say flatly, raising an eyebrow. She stares at me and starts twisting her hair. She does that anytime she gets nervous. I narrow my eyes. "Geez, what's up with you? You look as though you've just seen a ghost!"

"No, Eiri, it's just... well... You hadn't said a word since... you know..."

No, I don't know. I guess she must refer to what happened to my wrists.

"I'll go and pick a broom," I suggest, glancing at all the small pieces of glass scattered on the floor.

"No!" She says dryly, "No... I'll take care of it. Just sit and have breakfast."

She must fear that I cut my veins again with the glass. Rubbish. I help myself to the Lucky Charms. The green clovers remind me of you, they are your favourite.

"Hey, babe! I've got the cake!" Tohma exclaims as he enters the house. He winces when he catches sight of me. "Oh, Eiri... It's good to see you out of your room. How you doin'?"

"I'm fine, I guess," I reply.

His mouth drops open and he gives Mika an inquisitive look.

"Yeah, I can speak if that's what you're wondering," I sneer.

"It's just... I... We... hadn't heard your voice for so long..."

I roll my eyes and look at the cake Tohma has just put on the table.

"Hmm... Strawberry cheesecake... Lovely... What are we celebrating?"

Mika and Tohma now exchange worried looks. Mika comes closer to me and caresses my cheek with the back of her hand.

"Eiri... Have you forgotten? You're turning seventeen today, honey... Happy birthday..."

My heart skips a beat. I push Mika's hand away and take a step back. Seventeen...

"Yes, happy birthday Eiri-san." Tohma says. "Look, I'm sorry, the cake was supposed to be a surprise. I never thought you'd be in the kitchen... I mean... you hardly leave your room... But today seems to be a special day, eh? I'm so glad you finally decided to talk again!"

"I..." I mumble, "I... Give me some time, ok?"

I rush upstairs four at a time and lock myself in the bathroom. I stand a few minutes with my back against the wall, panting.

"Eiri, please, don't do anything stupid again!" I hear Tohma plead with me behind the door.

"It's ok, I won't do anything. Trust me. I just need a moment alone. Please!"

I hear him let out a sigh and walk away. So I take a deep, long breath and walk to the sink. I splash cold water over my face and slowly look up at my reflection in the mirror. I've got dark rings under my eyes, my eyes which have already lost all innocence, but it's true, I am seventeen... And I know that this time, it is for real...

It's not blurry anymore. The Kitazawa incident really happened. Some five months ago. And my life's been a nightmare since.

I have killed someone. Some would say it was self-defence. It was, but this doesn't change anything. Kitazawa Yuki is dead and I should be in jail. I'm not because Tohma took care of everything. After all, Kitazawa wasn't lily-white. He could often be found drunk and in bad company at the local pub, the cops knew that. So it only took Tohma a few calls and I was out of the woods.

In theory only. Reality is a different story.

Guilt, self-disgust, nightmares... have become my daily burden.

I took Kitazawa's life, but I've ruined mine at the same time. I'll never be the same again, and Kitazawa's shadow will always hang over me as a constant reminder of the past.

I thought life was not worth living anymore, that's why I've tried to end it in so many ways and I wouldn't talk anymore because no one would have understood what I'd been through. I've been a real pain and I've made Mika and Tohma worried to death about me, as if it wasn't enough that Tohma already held himself responsible for what happened.

I thought that no one could put a smile back to my face, that no one could see the real 'me' and love me for who I am, no matter what I did in the past.

But now I know such a person exists. You...

I've seen you last night. In my dreams.

You are stubborn, loud, annoying, childish, ridiculous, a real pain in the arse... but... you are adorable, funny and sincere, and you love me, and I already love you too.

And that dream made me realise that whatever life throws my way, I'll always find you.

No, I won't even have to look for you. You'll find me. You said it yourself.

_You can run or you can die, but I'll search for you and I'll find you! I'll never let you get away from me! Why? Because I love you!_

No matter what we do, we'll end up together because that's the way it's meant to be. It's... Gravitation..

So I'm not afraid to live anymore.

I'm waiting for you, Shuichi.

~THE END~

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_**Thanks for reading! **_

_**Maybe some of you are disappointed with the end of this fanfic, but it was the end I had planned to write from the beginning. I wanted to give Young Eiri the will to keep going after Kitazawa incident, and I wanted to show that Eiri and Shuichi are really meant to be together... The first and the last chapter begins the same way, and the circle is complete... :)**_

_**Published on March.8 2011**_


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